11 – If You… We Have Something in Common (Re-do/Summary)

Day: 54

Weight: 103

 

So much reminiscing has been done the past week and a half…fasting does that to me, being in a dreamy state and all. I don’t know why or how, comprehension isn’t easy. Conversations have arisen where I remember past events, one in particular that I’ve had trouble forgetting and not dwelling on. 

In the summer of 2011, when I was 15, I was raped by a 19 or 20 year old on a college campus in the mountains. It’s a long painful story I won’t be sharing the details of, but the words keep replaying in my head: “You can’t tell anyone. No one can know about this or about me.” That’s all he kept saying. That and, “Relax, you’re fine.” 

But I wasn’t fine. It changed me. I immediately isolated myself from my family. I couldn’t face them without being harsh to my sisters. I sat in my room worrying about STD’s, possible pregnancy, and whether I should tell someone what happened. In the end, I told a few close friends, but my family still does not know, and I plan on KEEPING it that way. I was tested later and the tests came back negative for any diseases etc. Instead of going on a hunt for my predator, I forgave him and let him go. He had college and a football scholarship to maintain, and it sounds wrong that I didn’t report, but I was afraid of being looked at differently by my family. That’s what I fear the most: being seen as a different person to my family. Things are a lot better now. Miss Z, I’ve needed that hug this week. Thank you ❤

It’s the last night of fasting. I have to leave for church in 15 minutes, and when I get home, it will be May 5th: Easter. We call it Pascha, and I won’t be allowed to eat from midnight until 1pm tomorrow. The 13 last hours of starvation. Then it’s over. You have no idea how excited I am.

 

Thank you to everyone that stuck with me through this, especially Miss Z for reading every post and following up with me about them the next day. For bringing food and making sure I was eating. For the kind texts, the advice, and the prayers. You helped me so much.

To my blog followers: simply put, you guys are awesome. I will post again sometime this week when I’m not too busy.

I must go. Thank you again, have a wonderful night ❤

 

“When the shriveled skin of the ordinary is stuffed out with meaning, it satisfies the senses amazingly.” Virginia Woolf

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9 – It Hurts

Day: 43
Weight: 103

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I’m updating on my phone from class today, so this’ll be somewhat quick, probably. Last week was great overall. Not feeling well sucked, but I am such a lucky girl. On Thursday, i won the meet, and my wonderful companion presented me with gorgeous pink flowers and balloons that said happy birthday on them. They were the prettiest flowers i have ever received.

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Afterwards, we went to Neato Burrito together with some teammates and i had the best vegan burrito ever. Just rice, refried beans, lettuce, and honestly i think thats it, but it was wonderful.

Saturday night i had pizza with his family… But i had to remove the cheese, so it was just bread and sauce haha.

Yesterday i was craving out of my mind. I wanted a burger, but i couldn’t help that. I wanted chocolate, so while i was grocery shopping, i bought dark chocolate. It was nothing like the real thing though. I was craving McDonalds fries so badly. I DID buy a small fry while i was out, so i could and did cure that craving.

Food isn’t really filling me. It just goes through me now, and i don’t have much protein anymore. I get lactic aid burn after jogging 100 meters, or after just warming up or taking one jump in vaulting. I’m so weak, but channeling energy and pushing through while I’m vaulting; i can do that, despite the difficulty. My condition is bad though. Food looks good, but I can’t stomach it without feeling sick. You should’ve seen my lunch today: barely touched. I’ve slowed the weight loss; there’s not much to really lose anymore. My mental state is bad as well; i have a short temper, and Im so easily insulted. I’m ready for this to be over.

Wish me luck with my week. These next 13 days are going to be the hardest yet. Thanks for sticking with me.

-Marina

8 – Haven’t Posted In Awhile

Day: 38

Weight: 103.3

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Tension is rising in the house. We’re all irritable with each other, and being outside of the house is the best thing for me right now. I spend barely any time at home anymore, which is weird because you’d think my room would be clean. It’s filthy.

My “symptoms” worsen every week. Right now I feel weak. Things are dreamy, like they’re not happening. I walk around confused; I can’t stay focused and I forget things very easily. It’s almost funny, I tend to ask the same question 2 minutes after I had just asked it. But I’m “quivery”; my hands shake a lot now. Not to mention my jeggings and skinny jeans are now baggy.

Right at this moment I’m craving a hamburger. That’s all I want. And Oreo‘s, which I can have, but we don’t have any in the house, and I’m completely fasting until tomorrow morning for track. It helps me jump higher, not eating tonight. Don’t ask why, I don’t know.

On Tuesday (yesterday), I won first place in the vault with a height and personal record of 8 feet 10 inches. I was so happy, but so tired all the while. It was 2 inches from 9 feet, my season goal. You should have seen how tired and worn out I was, it showed on my face and in my body. It is a wonderful feeling though, knowing I came to the meet and gave it my all, and then some. The whole team did really well; we beat Milton Hershey, who we haven’t beaten since 1981. It’s fantastic, and to know I contributed, that’s what matters to me. I also earned my varsity letter for the season, and I’ve placed at every meet: first place at four meets so far, first place at four meets, and second at one meet. This season is the most successful of all three years I’ve been in track so far, and we’re only halfway through the season.

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Enough about that though, on Monday I was finally asked to prom, the first time I have ever been asked to a school dance actually (well, the first time I’ve been asked and have actually said yes). It was cute; he works at Subway and did it with a Vegan sub. I couldn’t reject 🙂

We’ve been talking for a couple weeks, and last night after the meet, we were just driving around, and I showed him my favorite place to go where we live. It’s at the top of a mountain, at the end of the road where a cell tower sits. From that point you can see the airport runway lights, all the city lights, and Three Mile Island. At night the scene is beautiful, and it’s where I go when I need some peace and a good view. Anyway, we were up there, sitting on the gravel part of the road, my head on his shoulder, just looking at the lights and talking. That’s where he popped the question. It wasn’t all that smooth, but it was still so sweet, and we’re official now 🙂

Tomorrow is a big day. I’m expecting 9 feet at the meet, AND it’s my birthday. Which kind of sucks too, considering I’m fasting for Lent and eating very little for the meet. Also, I’m meeting the boyfriend’s mom, which I can’t wait for 🙂

Welp, I’m exhausted, and I need my so called “beauty sleep.” Thanks for hanging in there with me, I’m weaker every day, but stronger faithfully and religiously as time passes. For all who read this and are actually close with me, thank you for putting up with my irritability and utter confusion lately. Pain and starvation do that to me. My brain is trying to function the rest of my body, so it’s shutting certain things in my head down temporarily. It’s hard to explain.

Thank you again ❤

Goodnight.

Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.
Les Brown