9 – It Hurts

Day: 43
Weight: 103

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I’m updating on my phone from class today, so this’ll be somewhat quick, probably. Last week was great overall. Not feeling well sucked, but I am such a lucky girl. On Thursday, i won the meet, and my wonderful companion presented me with gorgeous pink flowers and balloons that said happy birthday on them. They were the prettiest flowers i have ever received.

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Afterwards, we went to Neato Burrito together with some teammates and i had the best vegan burrito ever. Just rice, refried beans, lettuce, and honestly i think thats it, but it was wonderful.

Saturday night i had pizza with his family… But i had to remove the cheese, so it was just bread and sauce haha.

Yesterday i was craving out of my mind. I wanted a burger, but i couldn’t help that. I wanted chocolate, so while i was grocery shopping, i bought dark chocolate. It was nothing like the real thing though. I was craving McDonalds fries so badly. I DID buy a small fry while i was out, so i could and did cure that craving.

Food isn’t really filling me. It just goes through me now, and i don’t have much protein anymore. I get lactic aid burn after jogging 100 meters, or after just warming up or taking one jump in vaulting. I’m so weak, but channeling energy and pushing through while I’m vaulting; i can do that, despite the difficulty. My condition is bad though. Food looks good, but I can’t stomach it without feeling sick. You should’ve seen my lunch today: barely touched. I’ve slowed the weight loss; there’s not much to really lose anymore. My mental state is bad as well; i have a short temper, and Im so easily insulted. I’m ready for this to be over.

Wish me luck with my week. These next 13 days are going to be the hardest yet. Thanks for sticking with me.

-Marina

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8 – Haven’t Posted In Awhile

Day: 38

Weight: 103.3

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Tension is rising in the house. We’re all irritable with each other, and being outside of the house is the best thing for me right now. I spend barely any time at home anymore, which is weird because you’d think my room would be clean. It’s filthy.

My “symptoms” worsen every week. Right now I feel weak. Things are dreamy, like they’re not happening. I walk around confused; I can’t stay focused and I forget things very easily. It’s almost funny, I tend to ask the same question 2 minutes after I had just asked it. But I’m “quivery”; my hands shake a lot now. Not to mention my jeggings and skinny jeans are now baggy.

Right at this moment I’m craving a hamburger. That’s all I want. And Oreo‘s, which I can have, but we don’t have any in the house, and I’m completely fasting until tomorrow morning for track. It helps me jump higher, not eating tonight. Don’t ask why, I don’t know.

On Tuesday (yesterday), I won first place in the vault with a height and personal record of 8 feet 10 inches. I was so happy, but so tired all the while. It was 2 inches from 9 feet, my season goal. You should have seen how tired and worn out I was, it showed on my face and in my body. It is a wonderful feeling though, knowing I came to the meet and gave it my all, and then some. The whole team did really well; we beat Milton Hershey, who we haven’t beaten since 1981. It’s fantastic, and to know I contributed, that’s what matters to me. I also earned my varsity letter for the season, and I’ve placed at every meet: first place at four meets so far, first place at four meets, and second at one meet. This season is the most successful of all three years I’ve been in track so far, and we’re only halfway through the season.

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Enough about that though, on Monday I was finally asked to prom, the first time I have ever been asked to a school dance actually (well, the first time I’ve been asked and have actually said yes). It was cute; he works at Subway and did it with a Vegan sub. I couldn’t reject ๐Ÿ™‚

We’ve been talking for a couple weeks, and last night after the meet, we were just driving around, and I showed him my favorite place to go where we live. It’s at the top of a mountain, at the end of the road where a cell tower sits. From that point you can see the airport runway lights, all the city lights, and Three Mile Island. At night the scene is beautiful, and it’s where I go when I need some peace and a good view. Anyway, we were up there, sitting on the gravel part of the road, my head on his shoulder, just looking at the lights and talking. That’s where he popped the question. It wasn’t all that smooth, but it was still so sweet, and we’re official now ๐Ÿ™‚

Tomorrow is a big day. I’m expecting 9 feet at the meet, AND it’s my birthday. Which kind of sucks too, considering I’m fasting for Lent and eating very little for the meet. Also, I’m meeting the boyfriend’s mom, which I can’t wait for ๐Ÿ™‚

Welp, I’m exhausted, and I need my so called “beauty sleep.” Thanks for hanging in there with me, I’m weaker every day, but stronger faithfully and religiously as time passes. For all who read this and are actually close with me, thank you for putting up with my irritability and utter confusion lately. Pain and starvation do that to me. My brain is trying to function the rest of my body, so it’s shutting certain things in my head down temporarily. It’s hard to explain.

Thank you again โค

Goodnight.

Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.
Les Brownย 

7 – So Irritable

Day: 27

Weight: 105.5

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Protruding ribs. Pain. A constant, achy pain all over. Cravings for chocolate. Cravings for steak. Cravings for milk.

My weight fluctuates a lot this week. Today I ate a pretty good amount, so I’m a little heavier than I was this morning. Didn’t give too much effort for the picture this week; I’m really not feeling it.

This’ll be a quick one, I have quite a bit to do, and honestly I’m not feeling too great.

Monday was pretty good, I had the pre-meet ritual salad from Texas Roadhouse, and Tuesday I vaulted pretty well, despite the cold. My facility coach expected 9 feet from me, but I managed to pretty much get my PR when I cleared 8’6″, and he was so proud of it. I got second place in vaulting against our rival school, and I was so happy, to have even placed against our rivals (they’re really good). The girl who won also jumped 8’6″, but because I knocked the bar off one of my jumps early on, and she didn’t, she won. It was a fair competition as always though, and I’m not upset with the outcome!

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Wednesday to Friday were just “ehh”; I’m getting easily insulted by peers, even whenย they’re simply joking. I’m also not getting enough sleep. Wednesday night, I was up until 1am at the earliest, and awake for school at 5:30am. Thursday night, I was working on a Pre-calculus midterm project and I was up until 1:30am. Actually, I was working on it on the bed; have you ever sat on your bed, tired as can be, knowing you can’t go to sleep or you’ll fail? It’s a horrible feeling, trust me. Anyway, I was up at 5am Friday (yesterday) morning, and it was tough trying to get through the day. Last night was no better, I stayed up until 2:45am looking for and researching colleges. I had to wake up around 6:30 for my sister’s soccer game. I’m absolutely exhausted. But, on the bright side, I found my new top college choice: California University of Pennsylvania. Division II for pole vaulting, a state school, and I can study graphic design. It’s perfect.

This week is going to be demanding. Three trips to Texas Roadhouse for salad and bread, and three meets: regular dual meets on Tuesday and Thursday, and one invitational on Saturday. It’s going to be quite the eventful week and weekend. I’ll definitely let you know how it goes, obviously.

I’ll let ya get back to whatever you were doing now though, I have work to do. Until next week!

Marina

“The world is a beautiful place to be born into – if you don’t mind some people dying all the time – or maybe only starving – some of the time which isn’t half so bad – if it isn’t you.”ย -Lawrence Ferlinghetti

5 – Slowly Losing My Senses

Day: 14

Weight: 108.6 lbs

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I’m down about 6 pounds from my starting weight. I’m still in a good mood most of the time, but I’m starting to get frustrated pretty easily now. For example, today at pole vault practice, I wasn’t getting my “drive knee” forward in the jump, and usually I don’t have that bad of a problem with it. Today, on the other hand, I was slightly sore and everything hurt just a little. I wasn’t getting my drive knee and Coach would scold me on it every time I jumped. Usually it doesn’t phase me, but today it did, and I ended practice by storming out of the vaulting facility in tears.

On Friday in English class even, I was upset with someone on a conversation that was going on around me. Now that was more on a personal level, but it shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did.

My brain is starting to change, after only 2 weeks. On Friday at lunch, I mentioned that I think I’m hitting “starvation mode,” and this is the first step of it. I eat when I’m hungry, but it’s just not enough to fill. I want a hamburger so bad, and actually today I went and bought fries and orange HI-C from McDonald’s because I was craving french fries and orange for some reason (obviously not together, that’s gross).

I prepared a shake tonight that I’ll make in the morning, with blueberries and oats. It sounds pretty good, and i actually had all the ingredients for it (minus Chia seed). I’ll have to let you know how it tasted, tomorrow or sometime. Not sure why they call it “Sleepy Blueberry Muffin Smoothie,” I really hope it’s not going to put me to sleep. But then again, I don’t have the energy to stay awake, even if I HAVE slept for awhile.

Anyway, here’s the link:

http://www.healthfulpursuit.com/2011/03/sleepy-blueberry-muffin-smoothie/

Speaking of tomorrow, I have a date after practice, to Texas Roadhouse, where I will be eating a salad with no meat or dairy… Fun, right? Haha, I’m actually looking forward to it for a change, I can’t wait ๐Ÿ™‚

Praying for no snow, yours always,

Marina